What To Write
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to write in a birthday card. Beyond a simple Happy Birthday obviously! Maybe you find the soppy messages already printed in the cards you get from the shops a bit shit?
That’s why you have us at LimaLima here to help you out. Not only do we have a super collection of hilarious, funny and offensive cards to buy easily online, we will even give you a nice list of unique and priceless stuff to write in your card. Especially for the special birthday boy or girl to make them laugh and chuckle. Or even remind them how great they are… by completely insulting them of course.
You will find a great range of funny birthday cards and rude birthday cards so you can pick the perfect birthday card, all online so you don’t even have to bother going to the shops in this hot fucking weather. Ace.
But what to write in this card? Well worry no more we are here to help you write a funny or insulting message inside their birthday card and hopefully many more cards to come…
Birthday Card Messages
Happy birthday beautiful. Jks.
You should celebrate your birthday the same way you came into the world, naked and crying.
Happy birthday ya big cock sucker!
You’re so old the Dead Sea was just getting sick when you were born.
Will there be cake?!
Happy 13th birthday to the teenager who’s been a teeneager since they were 3 years old…
I don’t have a present for you as my presence is your present. You’re welcome!
Don’t give a shit it’s your birthday, but I heard there’d be beer.
You just went from slag to old slag. Happy Birthday!
Hope your birthday involves a shit load of booze!
Happy Birthday to the office slut.
May you live long enough to shit your own pants.
I’m not going to put an age related joke in this card as i genuinely feel bad about how old you are.
Yes let’s all celebrate the day you touched your mums vagina!
I was going to make you a rum cake for your birthday but now it’s just cake. And I’m drunk.
To a dear sister on her birthday,
A sister is a friend for life,
Until you start stealing my clothes again then you’re dead to me. Lots of Love!
Is the cake going to be big enough for all the candles?
Happy birthday, one year closer to your death day..
There was a few famous people born on your birthday. You are not one of them.
Let’s get fucking smashed!!
Keep on growing old disgracefully, Happy Birthday!
Thanks for making me feel younger. Probably cause you’re fucking ancient.
Another year older and still no wiser..
Cue mid-life crisis…
Happy birthday to Mum and Dad’s second favourite child.
Aging is hard work, and with you it really shows!
Forget the past, it’s already been. Forget the future as you can’t predict it. Forget about the present too, cause i did. So enjoy this card!
Happy birthday to my amazing, gorgeous and witty daughter/son. You really remind me of myself.
So now you are the oldest you’ve ever been but also the youngest you’ll ever be so.. there’s that…
You’re fucking ancient now!
You’re so old the movie “Jurassic Park” brings back memories.
You’re so old, when you went to an auction everyone started bidding on you.
You’re so old that ‘doing it three times a night’ is how many times you get up to use the loo.
You’re so old Fred Flintstone was your neighbour.
I hope you’ve started saving for the facelift.
Hey sugar tits, have a great day!
Happy Birthday Old Fart.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately for you, yours is quite a high number.
As you get older, the hangovers get worse!
I’ve already given you herpes so didn’t think you’d want anything else from me.
Happy Birthday, wanna shag?
Don’t worry if birthdays get you depressed, at your age you won’t have many more birthdays to worry about.
You’re 18! Now officially an adult… on paper anyway.
21 and still not got laid….
Happy birthday Mum/Dad, this year we’ve all chipped in for a place at the nursing home. Never too early!
Let’s party like it’s 1999, or 1899 in your case, as you were there.
Be grateful I got you a card and not just wrote on your Facebook wall.
A card from the queen next year is it??
4 out of 5 people receive a nice bit of cash in their cards. Happy Birthday Number 5!
Best wishes for your birthday, as your friend I promise not to reveal your real age.
Hope you have a great birthday. Sorry I won’t be able to make it to your Surprise party!
Happy Birthday Grey Pubes!
Shop our full range of birthday cards here
You could take one really good humoured line, or even mix it up and take a few of the lines and make a whole paragraph if you wish! Really giving the birthday girl or boy a good laugh.
Make it your own funny card, and they’ll never forget the laugh they had at your offensive insults. Or not… oopsie.
Be it your mum or dad, sister or brother, best friend or a work colleague, even a card from the dog! They’ll be sure to know you’ve put effort and thought into their card and bring a smile to their faces knowing you’ve written a side-splitting little note in their birthday card.
We hope you enjoyed the list of funny and insulting things to write in your birthday and found it as amusing as we have!
Feel free to share…
Ah a new home, the only place you can poop most comfortably, the place where you can say what you want, cause no one listens to you anyway. Moving house for the first time, or the 6th time! It’s still exciting… I’m sure…
Maybe your best friend has got married and has taken the plunge and is slowly settling down in their new marital home. RIP mate…
Your pal has finally got their first bachelor pad? Shagtastic!
Maybe your kid is all grown up, has finally got their own place and flown the nest…? Yes, peace! No more picking up jizz covered socks or make-up stained towels…
But to be fair, for anyone moving house it’s a stressful time. All the clearing, packing and moving furniture. Not to mention the unpacking and doing it all again when they finally get into their new home. What a fucking palaver! We know you can’t be bothered helping them with the move.
Too much hard work right?? So why not get them a super new home card from LimaLima’s fantastic range of new home cards. The mortgage wankers might even forget you never bothered to help them with their move. Winner! You’re sure to find a great, high quality card, guaranteed to give a well deserved chuckle, maybe make them forget how much money they’ve spent on fees to that twatty estate agent who looks about 12 years old…. Twat.
Annnnndddd….. we’ve even got a list of things you could write in your new home card:
New Home Card Messages
Good luck in your new home, I wish you happy times, love and warm wishes. Also, can I have your wifi password?
So this is where you’ll be doing your shagging from now on?
Thanks for moving far enough away I don’t have to feel guilty about not visiting.
Glad you’ve moved, your old house was a shithole!
Congratulations on the new address, the new house, and all of the new experiences that you will have as a homeowner. By experiences, I mean problems you have to pay for…
We’re really happy you’ve moved out… that’s it really.
Good luck with your fancy new home, Mr fancypants!
Can’t wait to ‘Netflix and chill’ at your new pad.
New home, same ugly cunt face.
A home is a castle so that must make you a big old queen!
Hope your new home is not haunted.
Good job on finding a new place not to do the fucking dishes!
Do the carpets match the curtains??
You got a new house?! “Shut the front door!” No seriously shut it, it’s fucking freezing.
Good luck with all the flatpacks!
There goes the life savings!
I heard there’s a body under the patio. Enjoy your new home!
Congrats on your lovely home. It will not be so lovely when you have a rugrat running around ruining it all…
Let me know which one is my room.
Enjoy your new house you selfish bastard.
A home is only as good as the people who live in it, so pretty shit then?!
Good luck convincing the neighbours you’re normal!
I know where you live…
Well done, you’re the new kids on the block.
Welcome to the wonderful world of mortgage repayments!
Hope your new home is lovely…. Because you’ll never be able to afford to go out again.
May your new home be filled with love, laughter, happiness and WINE…
I hope your new neighbours are not complete cunts.
Can’t wait to overstay my welcome!
There goes the neighbourhood…..
Ooooohhhhhh…. You’re a proper grown up.
Hi welcome to the neighbourhood, can I watch you naked through the window?
Do not bring your washing over.
Congrats on your new home, where you can wank in peace.
Congratulations to you for moving, and congratulations to me for not having to help you move!
Looking forward to having a proper big shit in your new toilet!
I bet your parents must be celebrating!
Congrats. Always remember home is the wife rules! Sucker….
Now you can walk around naked, but please close the blinds. Think of your neighbour…
New home- proper grown up now.
I will be looking forward to coming over to visit, mainly to escape my kids.
Glad you’ve moved closer to the dogging area you love so much.
I’m glad the mass murder that happened in your home didn’t put you off!
Well done, you motherfucking homeowner!
You’ll have to keep the cross-dressing to a minimum now in case the missus finds out!
I love your new home so much I can see myself living here… where’s my key?
Your house is made from bricks,
And you are total pricks.
I’m not good at poems.
When’s the fucking housewarming party??!
Up to your arse in debt, no cash, but hey, here’s a card!
Shop our full range of funny new home cards here
We really hope this list of humdingers to write in your fabulous card has given you a giggle and it will do the recipient too.
So when you (hopefully) get invited to the housewarming party. Which you know will be full of people you don’t even know, probably a dickhead of an ex you didn’t need to see, ever again…. Why not plaster on a fake smile, take a nice plant, and a bottle of fizzy wine. Don’t drink it on the way though! Getting pissed up and vomiting all over their new rug would not be a good move! Unforgettable obviously, but probably not in the best way. To really make the move to their new home unforgettable, in a good way of course, would be to get a super hilarious card to really get everyone laughing.
At LimaLima we have a great selection of hilarious, high quality new home cards, for any new homeowner. Feel free to take a look, you’re sure to find the perfect new home card.
A new baby, birthed into this mad crazy world. Poor kid….
But seriously who doesn’t love a new baby, all fresh from the womb! Those chubby cheeks, the smell, tiny feet and hands, awww. What we can all agree on is that a new baby is always a joyous occasion that’s for sure. Even the cold-hearted surely melt a little at a cute toothless smile from a baby.
Yes they are constantly leaking at both ends but we sure do love ‘em!
You have bought a lovely pair of booties, some bibs for all the gross, never-ending baby dribble. Maybe you’ve even knitted a hat to keep that little bugger’s bald head warm. We all love buying plenty of gifts for the new arrival.
Even though the poor bambino knows nothing of what the hell is going on! We know you’ve also purchased a fabulous high quality card from the fantastic range at LimaLima, of course. If not, get online and find the perfect baby boy card or baby girl card at our easy to navigate website.
You’ll find something for any new parent which will give them a giggle and boy do they need it. And even better, you don’t even have to get off your arse to got to the shop! And the card is delivered straight to your door.
But what on earth to write in this new baby card you ask?… There’s always the standard soppy message that everyone else likes to put, or the pre-printed babble they have in greeting cards, but that’s all a bit boring and vanilla isn’t it? We all know you love some banter and want to put something a little more funny or insulting to your friend, or family member who have just had a new baby.
And here at LimaLima we have made you a great list of funny, insulting, offensive greetings to write in the new baby card. So we provide the perfect card, and even give you something hilarious to write in it too! Have a look at this great list….
New Baby Card Messages
So glad your baby is not a complete munter!
Wow a tiny human… Well done!
Can’t wait to teach the kid some decent swear words.
Now you can blame the baby when you shit your own pants in public… Again….
Congratulations on your new baby, I hope it doesn’t grow up to be an ugly cunt like you!
Make the most of that cute little face because in 14 years time they will be pimply with a shitty attitude.
How’s your fanny?
Twins?! Good fucking luck.
Can’t wait to be inundated with all your new baby posts…. Said no one ever.
At least we know you’re not firing blanks!
Well done, your boobs will never be the same again.
Parenthood: Shit just got serious.
Good luck with the newest arrival. Now you don’t have to look crazy talking to yourself.
Congrats on the new addition, we do hope he looks nothing like his father.
Well done on not pulling out mate.
May your day be filled with shitty nappies, lumpy vomit and no sleep. Yay.
Wizard’s sleeve spring to mind…..
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. Congratulations!
Congratulations on making a mini version of both of you… OMG What have you done??!!
Babies are wonderful. So I’ve been told anyway!
I would request a DNA test…
Rather you than me!
Thoughts are with your poor vagina at this time.
I know you’ll be naming the baby after me, as I’m sure he/she will be a legend too..
The coolest part about being parents is catching a glimpse of yourself in your little one! When i say ‘coolest’ i mean the worst obviously cause you’re awful people….
Welcome to the world little one, it’s a bit shit to be honest.
Yay no sleep forever!! Congrats!
Your minge must be a fucking mess….
When are you having the next one?
We hope the baby doesn’t inherit your ears #dumbo
Wishing you and your newborn many years of good health, love, and happiness and not too much baby vomit on your shirt.
Hoping he doesn’t take after his mother!
Congratulations on your toothless, mini shitting machine.
Yay we can go out and drink wine again… It’s been a long 9 months!
At least 18 years of this shit…. Literally!
I am your father.
No more hardcore partying for you guys now!
Just to let you know now, I am not up for ANY babysitting whatsoever. But congrats on the baby!
To the best MILF and DILF I know, congratulations on the baby.
It’s about time someone started throwing up on you, instead of the other way around!
When can it drink beer??
Wow twins! Double the fun, double the joy, double the laughter. double the shit.
Motherhood is definitely the roughest ‘hood!
I’m definitely going to be the mad pissed up auntie/uncle. Cheers!
I guess you’re having sex in silence for the next 18 years.
Condolences to the lady garden at this tough time.
No more sleep
Shop our full range of funny new baby cards here
All new parents do love gifts and cards and to be fair they deserve it. It’s always good to let them know they’re thought of, while their days are spent surrounded in nappies, puke and the greenest runny shit that makes them wonder if this baby is even human?! Zero hours sleep and leaky boobs, the rock n roll lifestyle.
The Dad always panicking, holding the baby all wrong, knowing he’s not getting a good shag for a while! The mum just happy she can drink again after 9 months sober… Don’t deny it mums!
So why not let them know you’re thinking of them, and send them a lovely priceless, funny or cheeky new baby card from LimaLima to make them chuckle, they’ll be in need of a good laugh.
Although they probably won’t invite you to become Godparent… We’re sure you’ll find something perfect to write in your new baby card. We hope you have found this list helpful and of course feel free to share!
So you’ve got the devastating news, your colleague is off to pastures new. Bastards.
Yes you want to be happy for them but on the other hand you’d like to be the one who has also successfully escaped. What IS their secret?!
When you get over the mortifying fact they have actually managed to cut and run, when you get over the devastating news that your work ‘friend’ is finally leaving the mad house, ahem I mean the “place of work”.
You’ve bought them a funny leaving card. If you haven’t yet, then take a peek at our amazing leaving card range where you’ll find plenty of choice in funny leaving cards, offensive leaving cards, and even some nice pleasant leaving cards.
You have not viewed any product yet.The time then comes to decide what to write in their leaving card… Oh, what on earth to write you may ask yourself! Well worry no more you lazy fuckers, we have made it really easy to find a great, offensive or plain rude message to write in your leaving card for a friend, or a leaving card for a colleague.
Perfect if you don’t have the time, are just too heartbroken to write something witty or offensive, or just can’t be arsed, don’t worry…. we’ve got you…
Our creative juices have been flowing non-stop (ooer) and we’re sure you’ll definitely find something funny and insulting to write from this extensive list. Something they will forever remember you by. Especially when they’re long gone and are hating their new job just as much (tee hee) They can look back and have a good giggle.
Here’s some of the best messages to really stand out from the rest of the boring, generic messages everyone always writes:
The grass may be greener on the other side, but just remember it’s fertilised with shit!
I’ve only been here a week and I’ve had to contribute to your leaving fund, you fucker.
I’ll have to go on my own for fag breaks now…
I never forget a face, but with yours I’m sure I’ll manage…
We had some great times… On your days off.
Might get some work done now.
Thanks for abandoning me. You know I have issues.
Please don’t leave me with weirdo Dave!
Piss off to your new job then. Traitor.
Totes gutted you’re leaving huns.
God help your new colleagues.
I give it a week.
See you when you get back. You’re coming back right… RIGHT??!!
I will never forget you. An absolutely wonderful colleague, best friend, wingman, and all round generous person. All the best in your new job (wrong name) Good luck!
I’m really going to miss trying to avoid talking to you.
Who’s seat am I gonna sniff now??!
Laters Cock Breath.
Who’s going to make my coffee now bitch?!
Don’t worry I’ll still be watching you through your window every night.
Someone said there’d be cake and hotdogs. Lying fuckers! But yeah good luck.
Well done on your new job, hope you pass your trial period before they realise what a useless twat you are.
[Insert something hilarious here]
I hope your boss isn’t as bad as this one.
Any chance of a shag now?
TAKE ME WITH YOU FFS!!
Heard they’re replacing you with a young hot fittie anyway so…. Cheerio!
Sorry I turned you down at the Christmas party when you asked if I would give you a blow job in the boss’ office. All the best though!
Great, one less weirdo in this place!
I don’t care what anyone else says, I thought you were ok to work with.
You will be missed…. By someone, somewhere, I’m almost pretty sure of it.
Congratulations on leaving this godforsaken shithole.
Thought you’d never fucking leave!
Working with you has definitely been the most unforgettable of experiences.
I will really miss our naked Wednesdays.
The canteen will be out of business now! #fatbastard
Fuck off and don’t come back.
Good luck with your retirement. Who will I get all the gossip from now?!
Thought you’d left ages ago.
Thanks for leaving me here with all these twatbags!
Sorry you’re leaving… Lucky cunt.
Farewell and congrats on your new job. That must mean you’re smarter than you look!
Good Luck in your new job, so happy for you. We’ll never forget you! Here’s a few words i think describe you very well:
Nice as pie
You get the gist….
Shop our full range of funny leaving cards here
It can be quite tricky knowing what to write in a leaving card. Meaningful is always good of course, but you want them to have a chuckle too. Even if it is at their own expense! Most of all it’s good for the lucky recipient to have something to always remember you by even if it is insulting them, making fun of their terrible time-keeping, or even their hideous hairstyle, they’ll be guaranteed a good old side-splitting laugh and a keepsake of your silliness!
Be it a good friend from work who you value, get along very well with and always up for banter or even a colleague who you don’t even know, there’s definitely something in the list for you.
Just don’t forget to make a dead generous donation to the whip-round, maybe even sort out a leaving do with a some shitty drinks at the local working men’s club. Oh yes, the sticky carpets, a faint aroma of cigarettes and piss and always an old toothless geezer by the bar who’s been there since 1987. Is he asleep? Is he dead? We never know!
We hope you found this list of what to write in a leaving card useful, feel free to share too!