A 30-year-old. Let’s spare a moment; their twenties are gone and they’re entering decade 3. 

As those last embers of youth are blown away, they must somehow get used to a world where the shadow of 40 bears down on them like the stinking, wobbling finger of death. 

But amongst all that existential chaos and depression sits you. Their friend/relative/ talking pet, etc. and you might be struggling to think of what to write in a 30th Birthday card for these poor lost souls.

But don’t despair, I’ve got you covered. Let’s plunge into a world of funny birthday quotes and filthy one-liners as we try and find something perfect for you to write in your 30th Birthday cards.

It’s your 30th, glug all the alcohol down your neck while you still can. 

30’s when your shag pad turns into a ghost town. 

If you were a dog you’d be dead by now. 

Rest in Peace: your youth. 

From now on, if you forget your ID it won’t even matter.

Dirty thirties, flirty thirties, thirsty thirties? Whatever you want to call it you’re still not getting any dick. 

Happy 30th Birthday Bestie. It’s an appropriate reaction to break down in tears at your tragic, elderly existence. 

Happy 30th Birthday Cousin. You’re ageing like a half-eaten, rotten kebab.

To my best friend, I’m so glad you’re 30, I’ve got another reason to take the piss out of you.

Thirty years of being a twat.

You’re now hurtling face first towards 40. Then you really ARE fucked. 

I can’t even think of the word thirty without being physically sick so erm. Good luck I guess. 

Mozart wrote his first opera at 11. You’re 30 and still don’t know how to tie your shoelaces. 

Oh god 30’s dull. Everyone’s going to suddenly decide you need pot plants and you won’t be able to move for all the pregnant bellies in your face.

You’re not 30, you’re just 20 with 10 years’ experience.

Every day after today is officially closer to 40 than it is to 20. Sorry.

To my favourite cousin, 30’s not that bad. If you were actually a stable individual but you’re not so it’s going to be absolute hell on earth.

If you’re 30 and you know it, clap your hands. 

I’d say you still look good at 30 but you don’t. 

Happy 30th Birthday to my best friend in the world, I hope I don’t look as busted when I get to your age.

30’s the age where you’re the only single one amongst your pompous, pregnant friends. 

Getting your tits out in your twenties is fun, getting them out in your 30’s is a bit tragic. 

You’re the same age as basic instinct so make like Sharon stone and show everyone your fanny while it’s still in good shape. 

30 years old. You’re the same age as Sister Act. And honestly I see the similarities; on your knees every Sunday, dressed in black and always worshipping a fit young man. 

Happy 30th Birthday, your fanny’s clocked up more air miles than Richard Branson.

To my sister on her 30th Birthday. There’s not that many people who still look beautiful at your age. So at least you’re not alone.

Happy 30th. Time to squeeze a baby out. 

Goodbye roaring twenties, hello dirty thirties. 

Happy Birthday Sis. I remember when you were a 21-year-old bitch. Now you’re a 30-year-old bitch.

Here’s to feeling dirty at 30.

It takes a special lady to show thirty who’s boss.

To a special lady on her 30th. 30 is just 3 perfect 10’s.

You’re my favourite 30-year-old lesbian. You’re also my only 30-year-old lesbian.

New member of the dirty thirty squad, get the bra off and let yourself go wild.

Look who’s 30! It’s you, the big old single lesbian.

To my gorgeous wife, you don’t look a day over 29.

To my wife on her 30th. You’re not a spring chicken anymore love.

Happy 30th Birthday to my amazing wife. Thanks for putting up with my shit.

You’re 30, fabulous and ready to cut any bitch that says you’re old.

You’re the same age as multi award winning singer, songwriter, and actor Nick Jonas. You’ve done a couple of things in your life as well I think. 

30 means It’s now sensible to be classy and eat things like spotted dick. Which is coincidentally what you had a lot of in your twenties. 

Happy 30th to my husband, throw the lynx Africa away, it's time to whip out the old spice. 

Here’s to a big gay 30th Birthday bash. But not in the way you’re thinking.

Apparently it’s time for your dirty thirties so I bought you some soap.

It’s been 30 years since you slopped out of a vagina. And it’s still the only one you’ve ever been anywhere near. 

Happy 30th Birthday. From now on any wet dreams will just be you pissing yourself in your sleep.

That six pack’s going to disappear soon, make the most of it while you still can.

30 is about 98 in gay years.

Happy 30th Birthday Bro, make like Boris Johnson and get the illegal cheeses and wine out.

Happy Birthday Bro, you’ve reached level 30.

To my 30-year-old nob of a brother.

Happy 30th Son, welcome to man-boobs manor.

To my son on his 30th. You’ve turned out to be a great person. I’m obviously an amazing Dad.

Happy 30th Birthday Son. You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my mega fast sperm.

To a special son on your 30th. You remind me of me when I was your age. An absolute state.

Only a father as sexy as me could have produced such an amazing son. Happy 30th Birthday.

Can’t wait to give my hubby a big 30th Birthday spread. If you know what I mean.

To my wonderful 30-year-old husband. I’m going to tell people you’re 25.

To a special husband, I’d make a joke about your age but I’m not far off 30 either.

Happy 30th Birthday to my husband, you’re still fine as hell. (a little bit grey but fine as hell).

Roses are red, violets are blue. You’re old as fuck. That’s it. That’s the poem.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Who’s turning 30? It’s not me, it’s you.

Keep this long poem below as it is or split it into three for the price of one. We all love a bargain:

Now you’re turning 30, your youth is out the door, your life was once exciting, now prepare to be a bore.

Heaving drinking is out of the question, it’ll only make you sick, and it’s now no longer socially correct for you to act like a total prick.

You groan when standing up and your joints are always sore but it’s only going to get much worse as you approach at speed towards decade four.

Summary:

William Wordsworth could never. So that’s it, there you go. We hope this has inspired your creative juices as to what funny and offensive things to put inside a 30th Birthday card. 

While you’re here, browse some of our other funny 30th Birthday Cards below. 

You’re sure to find something that tickles your fancy. Adios. (that’s Spanish for ‘we have lots of amazing cards for sale’. Probably.)

Feel free to browse to your heart's content, there’s something here for everyone.

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