The most romantic day of the year is on the horizon. 

That’s either going to be very exciting or very depressing depending on your current level of loved-up. 

Whether it’s a valentine’s for him or for her there will be a level of romantic expectation; finding the perfect valentines message, card or exciting gift just isn’t easy. 

So to be honest, why bother? Just say something funny to them instead.

Flowers and chocolates are boring. 

Who needs a tacky and cheap valentine gift when you can just tell someone they’re an idiot or laugh at their attempt at a ridiculously cheesy valentines puns.

So wet those lips, stretch those writing hands, or warm up those keyboard clacking digits and browse our list of valentines humour, funny valentines sayings and just downright rude valentines wishes to fulfil your every romantic need.

Happy first Valentine’s Day. Prepare to be amazed today because every year from now on is going to be a massive disappointment in comparison.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day. I love you because you remind me of me. And I’m amazing.

Happy Valentine’s Day to the love of my life (so far).

Happy Valentine’s Day to the only person I’d let finish a boxset without me.

Happy Valentine’s Day! We go together you and me, like Wills and Kate or Harry and Meg-…oh wait, maybe not.

Happy Valentine’s Day to the best swipe right my finger has ever done.

Funny Valentine’s Day wishes don’t come much funnier than this: insert humorous valentines quote here.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day to the king of the cheesy one liners.

Here’s to a romantic Valentine’s Day; dinner by candlelight because I can’t afford to put the lights on.

I know most of the time I do crazy things and drive you up the wall so this Valentine’s Day…. will be no exception.

You don’t need valentines' jewellery, or gift cards or flowers. You’ve got me. Nah that’s not going to cut it is it?

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, a certified wild animal, the rarest of breeds: the elusive Calamitous Tit.

A valentines card can say so much more than money and gifts. Which is what I’m telling myself because I’m very poor and that’s all you’re getting.

This Valentine’s Day there’s a space on my heart with your name on it. No, seriously I should probably go and get that checked.

The phrase ‘be my valentine’ could sound a little bit threatening in the wrong context. There’s a whiff of ‘or else’ about the whole thing. Or maybe I’m just an idiot. Avoid the courtroom by finding a funny way to ask someone to be your valentine below instead. Just to be on the safe side.

Be my valentine, you’ll only be mildly disappointed.

To my bestie on the most romantic day of the year. Be my valentine, we’re the best men we’re ever going to find.

Be my valentine, be my wife, be my whole entire life. I’ll be your rock, be your boy, you’ll be the one I will annoy.

Will you be my valentine?

Yes

YES but in uppercase.

Will you be my valentine? It’ll be awkward if the answer’s no seeing as we’re married.

Be my valentine. You’ll have to be, you’re my husband.

The question: Will you be my valentine? The answer: Of course I will you handsome devil. (Alternatively: No, go away. Please never contact me again).

Isn’t it about time you asked me to be your valentine? You’ve been making love eyes at me since before I can even remember.

Be my valentine and you’re in for a good time. Potentially, I can’t promise anything to be fair.

What’s that I’m getting a whiff of? Pungent, strong, makes me want to be violently sick? It must be a cheesy pun. 

We all know that there are funny quotes for Valentine’s Day and then there are just extremely unfunny and cringe-inducing quotes for Valentine’s Day. 

If that’s your sort of level then wince your way through the following cheesy valentines lines.

Happy valentines! If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together. Then I’d get a bag for you to be sick into after that abysmal line.

Happy valentines, you must be a cat because you’re absolutely purr-fect.

I’m so glad I’m your valentine, you deserve someone sexy on your arm.

You must be a search engine because you have got everything I’m looking for.

Are you A – positive? Because you’re totally my type and without you I’d probably die.

You provide the protons; I’ll provide the neutrons because I want to be on Iso-TOP-e of you tonight. That. Was. Dreadful. I’m actually ashamed of myself.

You must be a traffic light because every time I go near you I make you turn red.

Are you a Pericardial Effusion because you’re making my heart fill?

I was going to do a Gouda job and make a cheesy valentine pun but then thought Edam, I can’t think of one. So, I’m going to be mature about this, I camembert to make you upset. Happy cheesy valentines to my brie-lliant partner.

Happy Valentine’s Day to a prickly succulent, let’s go from Cacti to Cactus.

If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber. I’d be an ass-paragus.

Single people deserve love too, and a tiny bit of harmless ridicule just to balance it out. So, make sure to point those funny valentines wishes for single people right in my direction the direction of all your solo friends and relatives. Be gentle.

I thought you’d be feeling down today so I’ve got you a valentines card to make you feel even worse.

Happy Valentine’s Day to a best friend. Be kind to yourself. Because I’m not going to be. I’ll be reminding you how single you are all day.

It’s very homophobic that you’re single on Valentine’s Day.

Happy single people’s awareness day.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my friend, sending this is still sad but not as sad as it would be if it was from your mom.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my best friend, we’re both in the same boat so keep your chins up.

This day is a load of nonsense, I love you more than any valentines.

Happy galentines day, us girls have to stick together.

Being single on valentines is actually really good, half price chocolate that you can eat all to yourself.

Here’s to receiving nothing on Valentine's Day and being fine with that.

Just think of it this way, you’re only single because you haven’t found anyone who can handle how awesome you are yet.

Everyone you know is in a relationship, they’re happy, they’re in love, they’re living their best life. 

It’s depressing. Send those disgusting loved-up couples some good wishes (bleh) with our funny Valentine’s Day messages for friends.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my best friends, may your PDA’s never encroach on my personal space in any way whatsoever.

Happy Valentine’s Day to the pair of you. I’ve got nothing against the gays, I just don’t want it shoving in my face. Mainly because I’m extremely jealous and also incredibly gay.

Have a great valentines, you pair of insufferably happy, loved-up idiots.

Happy Pal-entines day. Sounds a bit like the middle eastern crisis, which sums you up quite well.

Happy Palentines day to my palliest pal from the palliest pal who’s ever pal’d.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Fancy being more than friends? Because I don’t.

Happy Palentines day, we hug, we cuddle, we’re never apart, we’re practically already married.

Happy friendship Valentine’s Day. I love you more than any girl could.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my main man. In a totally none-gay way. Ok fine maybe a little gay.

Happy Valentine’s Day you pair of horny animals.

You’ve bagged yourself a beautiful fella and you’re after ways of boosting his ego. 

Well, you’re out of luck, find a way to ridicule him instead with our list of funny valentines quotes for men.

To my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, you better make this the most romantic day of the year or I’m going to sulk tremendously.

Happy big gay valentines to my big gay valentine.

Happy Valentine’s Day hubby! We put the couple into ‘a couple of abject, crippling depressives’.

Happy Valentine’s Day for a man who wouldn’t know romance if it slapped him around the face and shoved a bunch of flowers down his throat.

Love is love, except on Valentine’s Day when love is deciding which of us two fella’s is going to be paying the dinner bill.

Happy Valentine’s Day from one sexy chap to another (arguably less) sexy chap.

Happy Valentine’s to my grumpy husband.

Happy Valentine’s Day to a special boyfriend, it takes a brave man to put up with me for this long.

Happy Valentine’s Day, and to think it all started with a message on Grindr romantic letter.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Handsome boyfriend? Check. Beautiful girlfriend? Check. A romantic, passionate evening for two? Meh, sorry I’m washing my hair.

Treat the woman in your life like a queen this Valentine’s Day and send her a funny message in the only acceptable way; putting yourself down and bigging her up of course with something from our list of funny valentines wishes for her.

Happy Valentine’s Day babe, I hope you love the beautiful petrol station florist- bought flowers.

Happy Valentine’s Day to a girlfriend who deserves a medal for putting up with me.

Happy Valentine’s Day for a woman who needs no introduction. She’ll be the one doing the nagging.

Happy valentines to a girlfriend. I’m not sure which one will be reading this right now.

Happy Valentine’s Day for a special girlfriend. You’re a pain in the arse. But you’re my pain in the arse.

Happy Valentine’s Day to a girlfriend who has excellent choice in men.

Happy Valentine’s Day from one fierce queen to another.

Happy Valentine's Day to my favourite lesbian.

I think it’s only fair to make this a romantic Valentine’s Day for my wife, so I’m leaving the house for the day and I’ve got Magic Mike on the tv all set up and ready to go.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my wife. You deserve the very best today so you’re lucky that I’m here.

A list of funny short and sweet Valentine’s Day wishes. 

Sweet like you and your partner and short like any relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life; but this isn’t therapy, leave me here to sob and go and check out the list.

Happy valentines! We’re #relationshipgoals!

Roses are red, violets are blue, take this cheap tat because I love you.

Love you, kind of.

You’ve bagged yourself a winner with me.

Happy February 14th. Nothing special about today is there?

I’ll make this valentines message short and sweet. Like your attention span.

Happy Valentine’s Day. You’re the wind beneath my wings. Very, very windy.

Insert cute Valentine’s Day wish here.

Be my valentine. Please, I’m desperate.

Happy Valentine’s Day you chump.

Happy valentines to my loved-up fool.

Happy Valentines Gay.

Happy Valentine’s Day, I still hate you.

Valentine’s Day makes me sick.

I met you; you’ll do, I’ll keep you. Happy valentines.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but let’s be honest it’s also the funniest. Treat your other half to a few insufferable and funny sarcastic Valentine’s Day wishes.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Thanks for keeping me warm at night. Anything to help keep the heating bill down.

Here’s a reminder of my love for you this Valentine’s Day. A piece of folded card with the price still stuck to the back.

Happy valentines. Our relationship is a bit more Bridge over the River Kwai than Bridgerton but I can’t have it all.

If I had a pound for how much I’m loved up this Valentine’s Day, I’d have a whole coin all to myself, with the Queen's face on it and everything.

Happy Valentine’s Day to someone who’s a bit like having a two-year-old child. You’re intensely annoying a lot of the time but if someone tried to take you away from me I’d probably kill them.

Happy Valentine’s Day my love. It makes a change from the other four-letter words I usually call you.

Trying to find a valentines message for a girlfriend is pointless, they’re all way too complimentary.

I love you very much but it’s a lot easier after a strong coffee.

Happy Valentine’s Day boyfriend. I’d say it was love at first sight but let’s face it, it wasn’t.

I wanted to make Valentine’s Day extra special so I’ve made sure you’re nowhere near me today.

Rude Valentine’s Day quotes are part and parcel of the occasion. If you’re not laughing at the size of a penis or shamelessly asking for a hook-up are you even doing Valentine’s Day right? 

Take a filthy leaf out of our book and choose an inappropriate Valentine’s Day message you definitely won’t be finding in a pity card from your mom.

Happy valentines, I’m dumping you. Goodbye. Don’t let the door whack your arse on the way out.

Cute Valentine’s Day messages are hard to think of so I just wrote ‘I like your penis’.

I’ve got ‘Valentine’s Day gift for her’ written on my crotch. I should probably grow up.

Happy Valentine’s Day to a special woman. I love you despite all the beard hair you leave in the sink.

Roses are red, violets are blue, out of all of the tossers I managed to choose you.

Happy Valentine’s Day to that hook up that one time. You know my address.

Time to chase pussy this Valentine’s Day like the rabid, feral dog that you are.

Happy valentines to the best orgasm faker I’ve ever known.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I know I’m a handful but then again, so are you if you get what I mean?

Happy Valentine’s Day babe, I’ll pretend your knob is enormous just for today.

Nothing says happy valentine’s like a load of cheap chocolate and bad sex.

Valentine’s Day should be the same time as Halloween so you’ve got a good excuse to put the willies up me.

Happy Valentine’s Day babe, if we were in prehistoric times I’d have clubbed you over the head and taken you back to my cave by now.

Happy Valentine’s Day to someone I WOULD actually piss on if they were on fire.

I’d share a door floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with you. I wouldn’t be like that selfish cow in Titanic.

Happy _alentines Day. I’m hoping I’ll find the V later.

We’ve done funny things to say on Valentine's Day, now we’ve reached the point where we get a little bit mean. ‘Mean’ can still be funny though; it depends how evil a person you are to be honest. 

Take a mean valentines message from the list below.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because your face looks absolutely fucked.

You’ll do for Valentine’s Day, just never contact me ever again afterwards. 

Yes it’s Valentine’s Day but don’t worry we don’t have to talk to each other.

Happy Valentine’s Day from one old wreck to an ever bigger old wreck.

I’d have gotten you a valentine's rose but I didn’t want to add any more thorns to this relationship.

Out of all the funny things to say on valentine's day, I’ve decided to go with ‘let’s break up’.

I tried to get you a personalised valentines gift but they wouldn’t let me have ‘you’re a complete wanker’ written on the side of it.

All the valentine’s chocolates in the world wouldn’t put a smile on your sour old face.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day. He’d have needed to be a saint to put up with you.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I hate you slightly less so, happy Valentines.

Summary:

In conclusion, we have learned that there’s no end to how many times I can type out a terrible valentines joke and that deep down I’m quite an annoying person. 

But aside from that, if you’re wondering what to write in a Valentine’s Day card or bravely looking for what funny and offensive Valentine’s Day wishes to say to people’s faces. 

We hope this has helped.

Whether you’ve bagged yourself a heartbreaker and it’s your first Valentine’s Day, you want to tease a single friend or even send an annoying valentines to a husband or wife we’ve got plenty of funny ways to say I love you and brighten up (or potentially ruin) the recipients special day. 

Thanks so much for stopping by!