What is a cousin? It’s a sort of human type thing that is somehow related to you. 

Someone that you’re either best friends with or who you see about once every 12 months when your eyes meet at a family gathering you’ve been dragged along to and you’re not sure exactly who they are.

Some people only have one cousin and some people have cousins coming out of their ears. Not literally that would be weird but whatever category you fall into you’re going to have to get them a birthday card.

What to write inside it however is another matter entirely. Hold my digital claw and follow me through the screen as I provide you with an array of funny cousin birthday wishes perfect for both males & females.

Happy birthday Cuz, the only one who’s as crazy as me.

Happy birthday to cousin 108, I’m starting to lose track of how many I’ve got and who exactly you are.

To the naughtiest cousin on this side of the family. Have a terribly mischievous birthday.

Amazing cousins are hard to find but don’t worry I’m right here babes. Happy birthday.

Cousins are like buses, you wait ages for one to turn up and when it finally does, it’s rusty, loud, smelly and you wished it hadn’t turned up in the first place.

Happy birthday, you put the ‘cuz’ in cousin. Not sure exactly what that means but it sounds nice so take the compliment.

Happy birthday to my favourite cousin. The fact I’ve said that to all my cousins is merely a coincidence, you’re definitely my favourite.

You’re the best cousin a person could ask for…if they weren’t very fussy.

Happy birthday cousin. I’m glad you’re much, much, much older than me.

I couldn’t think of anything nice to say about my cousin so you’re going to have to use your imagination. 

Happy birthday to a cousin who causes all the mayhem with me and then gets to go home and avoid the fallout. You sneaky little rat.

A cousin is just a naughty friend you’re stuck with forever.

Happy birthday to a special cousin, my favourite person to make mischief with.

Thank you for being the embarrassing cousin so I don’t have to be.

Happy birthday to a cousin who gets all their bad habits from me.

Happy birthday cousin. The member of the family I’m least embarrassed to be related to.

Happy birthday cuz. You may be one of many but you stick out more than the rest (for all the wrong reasons).

Happy birthday to you. From the far superior cousin.

You’re an absolute ledge cuz. Even if sometimes I want to push you off it.

There’s no better feeling than being blessed with an amazing cousin. Apparently. I wouldn’t know.

If there was an award for the world’s best cousin, you’d be there. Clapping for me.

Happy Birthday. I’m proud to call you my cousin, just don’t tell anyone or it’ll ruin my street cred.   

You’re more than just a cousin, you’re a really stupid cousin.

At your age, cousin, you don’t need me to put any money in this card. I bet you’re minted.

Did you know it’s scientifically proven that whoever touches this card is officially the good-looking cousin? Unfortunately for you I touched it first.

Happy birthday Cuz. The only thing harder to work out than how we’re related is where exactly you get your mental genes from.

Happy birthday cousin, I have no clue if you’re once, twice, even three times removed or if we’re actually related but here’s a card anyway.

An amazing cousin you are, talk like an idiot I will, have a nice birthday you must.

Happy birthday cousin, funny story, there’s no money in this card. I’m not skint I just don’t like you very much.

I was trying to think of some funny cousin birthday wishes to put in this card but as you know I have no sense of humour at all.

Happy birthday to my cousin, your presence in my life is like a rainbow…it just never flipping ends. Please go home.

Happy birthday cuz, you’re just like an egg; hard on the outside, lovely and gooey on the inside and you smell absolutely pungent.

Happy birthday to a cousin who’s like a brother to me. A really annoying, irritating brother.

Thank you for being the only sane male in this family. Happy Birthday cousin.

Happy Birthday to a cousin who’s more of a responsible gent than anyone I know.

Happy Birthday to a special cousin, you’re like the brother I never had…. or actually wanted.

Happy birthday to my Cousinnosaurus. The only guy I know who looks like he’s been around since the Jurassic period.

Happy birthday old chap. Having me as your cousin is the only gift you need and exactly the gift you deserve.

Happy birthday to my cousin, from one man to another, I think you still look amazing for your age. If that age was about 60-odd.

As cousins go, you’re not a bad old gent I suppose.

Cousin your lothario days are over, it’s a pipe and slippers for you from now on. 

I couldn’t find a funny cousin birthday card for him, so you’re going to have to pretend you’re a strong, independent woman for the day. 

Happy birthday cuz, I like you more than my sister…because you actually leave at the end of the day.

Cousin, I regret to inform you that you’re now entering the ‘old woman’ stage of your life.

Happy birthday to a cousin who really annoyingly looks fabulous for her age.

This card has been imbued with magical powers to ensure the cousin receiving this has the best damn birthday of her life. It was cheaper than putting in money.

Cousin it’s your birthday, let’s get our heels on and paint the town red. (to be fair this could also fit in the male category depending on how wild your cousins are).

Happy Birthday cuz, you’re not fooling me. Even with all that heavy makeup I can still tell that you’re hella old.

Happy birthday cuz, I’m so glad there’s another lady as tragic as me in the family.

Happy birthday cousin. You’re the biggest Karen I know but we still love you. A little bit.

I think of you more like a little sister than a cousin. Mainly because you’re always in my vicinity and I cannot think of anybody more annoying.

Happy birthday to my cousin, a lady who’s beautiful inside and out. Mainly inside.

Every day I have no idea how it’s true, that I ended up with a cousin as daft as you.

Cousin you may be extended family but it doesn’t mean we love you any less, despite the fact that you’re a total pain and a complete and utter mess.

Happy birthday special cousin when you’re here you make my day. Mainly because you’re mad like me in every single way. We drive our families mental and cause lots of endless strife, but at the end of the day I’m glad that I’ve got you in my life.

Happy birthday today to my cousin, you’re either once or twice removed, I have no idea exactly, it’s a fact I’ve never pursued. We might not even be fully related, but to be honest as far as I see, anyone even close to this family is bound to be as mad as can be. 

Summary:

There we have it. Whether it’s a funny birthday wish for a cousin you’re looking for, a happy birthday to a male or female cousin or even a cousin poem that would make Edgar Allan Poe himself start to sweat; 

I hope I have helped as best I can.