Someone you know is another year older and it’s time to send them some birthday wishes. 

If you’re desperately grappling at the air for ideas like a rogue vacuum nozzle chasing the screaming cat around the house, you may be wondering how to wish someone a happy birthday. 

Well, we have the answer. Why not send them a rude birthday message?

Rude and offensive birthday messages are the perfect way of showing somebody how immature you are and yet how much you really do love them, in a strange, mean sort of a way. 

We’ve compiled a list below of the best rude birthday greetings; whether you’re after the best birthday insults, savage birthday messages, dirty birthday wishes or even a rude poem, we have you covered.

Disclaimer: some of these offensive wishes are not for the faint hearted. Please only send them to people who share the same sense of humour. Not somebody like…your Gran.

If I had a pound for how much you mean to me I’d have enough for a decent meal. Couldn’t stretch to a side of garlic bread but a decent meal all the same.

I hope your birthday doesn’t stink as much as you do.

I’m dead proud of you. I honestly didn’t expect you to live this long.

I’m gutted you’re this old, nearly pearly gates time.

Happy Birthday to the old turkey neck over here. May your gizzard be shaking with party time glee come this evening.

What’s that noise? It sounds a little bit like your youth being violently blown away to a distant realm, never to be seen or heard from ever again.

I was going to get you a birthday cake but calories are bad aren’t they so……soz.

And just when I’d spent my very last penny you have the nerve to have another birthday. I hope you’re happy.

Happy birthday, try not to die blowing out all those candles.

Happy Birthday you randy old dog. Excitable, hairy, covered in fleas and your anal glands are an absolute state.

You’ve reached the point where it’s probably best to start lying about your age.

Happy birthday to an amazing person. Here’s to getting so drunk we pass out in our own sick.

Just think, if your mom and dad hadn’t have had sex, you wouldn’t have been born. Lol now you’re thinking about your parents having sex.

Happy Birthday. Not dead yet then?

I love it when it’s your birthday, I get invited to a free meal. Oh, and I get to see you too of course.

Happy birthday darling, for somebody who does absolutely nothing with their life you sure are looking tired.

Happy birthday. You don’t look your age. From a distance.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than being as old as you but enjoy the day anyway.

Some people don’t like rude birthday cards, but they can go fuck themselves.

Happy birthday to everyone’s favourite pervert.

With old age comes wisdom. Usually. Must have skipped you.

Don’t forget to make a birthday wish, you need all the help you can get.

Today’s the day we all gather around and remember the time you were dragged kicking and screaming from your mom’s vagina.

It’s customary to put money in a birthday card but to be honest I don’t really like you. 

If you squint really hard you can just about pretend you’re not covered in wrinkles.

Roses are red, you’re very old, I can’t be arsed to finish off this poem.

Happy birthday, now there’s 365 days until I speak to you again.

Happy birthday you old drunk.

Today’s the day you’re reminded you’re much, much older than me.

Happy birthday mate, there’s no need to send me a party invite. I don’t want to come. 

I’m so proud of you on your birthday. I was sure at this age you’d be soiling yourself or at the very least wailing incoherently.

Happy birthday, you’ve touched so many lives that right this second there’ll be someone out there smiling and thinking about you. Not me of course I think you’re an absolute prick.

Happy birthday you donkey, you huge ass, you equine menace, you marvellous mule, you beautiful burro.

Happy Birthday to my best friend in the world. Love from the pretty one.

Happy Birthday bestie, I’d say you look good for your age but…. you don’t.

You’ve been my best friend through the hardest of times, through my darkest days and through all my personal tragedies. Honestly I think you’re a jinx.

I tried my hardest to find some insulting Birthday Wishes for a best friend but honestly, none of them were bad enough to accurately describe you.

Happy Birthday bestie, they broke the mould when they made you. Like, seriously broke it. You look fucked.

Happy birthday mate. If you were a dog you’d be dead by now or at the very least dragging your back legs behind you and pissing everywhere. 

Happy birthday to my best friend, we make such a great team. Me, the good looking, sexy, appealing one and then there’s you as well.

Birthday candles won’t be the only thing you’ll be blowing tonight. There are also balloons we need help with for your party. 

On this day, many years ago you were a tiny speck floating around in your dads penis. Grim. 

Just in time for your birthday, the Hubble telescope has spotted something massive coming out of Uranus.

Someone was shagging your Mum many years and nine months ago. Have a nice birthday.

H_ppy B_rthday. Don’t worry, I’ll fill the holes later tonight. 

Happy birthday to my favourite gay, here’s to having your mouth full this evening.

Happy birthday chum, I was going to get you a dildo but not even pieces of silicone want to come anywhere near you.

Channing Tatum wouldn’t fit in the envelope no matter how hard I licked the flap. So, take this rubbish card instead.

Happy birthday to my favourite bell end with the least used bell end.

Send nudes it’s your birthday.

Roses are red, you’re a disgrace, I want to plonk my balls on your face. I know it’s your birthday and this is confusing but I’d like this to be the party game of your choosing.

I hope the day is filled with celebration, joy, and grace, and then by 9 o’clock this evening, you’re sitting on my face.

If ever there’s a person, who’s ageing like sour piss, it’s definitely the person who is currently reading this, even though you’re lovely, you’re actually pretty ace, I must admit I’ve never known anyone with as sour a face.

It’s your birthday time to party, get those beers straight down your face, by the time the evening’s done you’ll be an absolute disgrace.

Summary:

There we go, we hope this helped. Everything from rude birthday messages to offensive birthday greetings for a best friend. 

Send the special people in your life a rude card with love. Just remember what we said earlier, not your Gran.