An 80th Birthday is a huge, momentous milestone. Think man walking on the moon or a new flavour Pringle. 

These fortuitous people deserve love on their special day, rapturous, joyous celebration and above all, respect.

So wet those gums, whack your teeth in, pop your reading glasses on and come with me as we explore the best ideas for funny 80th Birthday wishes to put in those greetings’ cards. 

We hope we spark your imagination with our cesspit of 80th insults, filth, and the occasional bit of 80th birthday poetry. 

Happy 80th Birthday! New hip, hip hurray!

Your 70’s are cancelled.

Happy 80th Birthday. Crikey you’re getting on a bit.

This is the time of life you find yourself leaning against more washing machines.

Happy 80th Birthday. Can you get someone to read this out for you?

80 years old. You’re over the hill, now’s the time to hurtle down it at full speed.

The grim reaper hasn’t caught up with you yet then?

To a special Mom, you’re just as beautiful at 80 as you’ve always been. You just creak a little bit more.

To a special Dad, you’re the coolest 80-year-old I know.

Happy 80th Birthday Brother. We look like those two old blokes from the muppets.

Happy 80th Birthday to my wonderful sister. We can no longer call you an old cow, the correct term is ‘cranky elderly lady’.

You know you’re getting on a bit when your grandkids have got grey hair.

Your grandkids are coming to visit you, they’ve just got to be picked up from the old people’s home first.

Time for some denture adventures.

HAPPY 80TH BIRTHDAY. I HOPE YOU CAN READ THIS!

You’ve got more grooves in your face than the San Andreas fault. Happy 80th.

Glad you’re still with us.

Have an amazing 80th birthday. It’s now completely fine for you to swear like a docker in public.

Jesus Christ, 80’s going to be rough.

Happy 80th. You know I love an old banger.

There’s still a bit of life in the old girl yet.

Happy 80th Birthday to my favourite old vintage.

I’d have gotten you a cake but 80 candles is just asking for trouble.

Happy 80th Birthday. You’ve still got the need for speed, just got to ask the bus driver to go a bit faster.

Aye Matey! That’s what the pirate said on his 80th. (It’s your birthday so just laugh).

80 years old, in dog years that’s a whole family tree.

I wish I’d known you when you were 20 years younger. But I hadn’t been born.

Happy 80th birthday to a special friend. Here’s to turning into a miserable, grumpy pensioner.

It feels like only yesterday you were in your 70’s. Oh wait.

Happy 80th Birthday you beautiful old raisin.

I wish I had your many, many, many years of experience.

You’ve had 80 years to turn into a normal human being. What happened?

You’re maturing like a fine wine; it’s taken 80 years to happen but still.

Happy 59th go of your 21st.

Happy birthday to someone approaching 85, just from the wrong direction.

You’re the same age as instant coffee and you always come in handy when I need perking up. Happy 80th Birthday.

An 80th Birthday is like chicken pox; it only comes around once and most people would prefer if it just didn’t happen.

You don’t look 80 today, I wonder the reason, it must be because vintage is well in this season.

It’s your 80th Birthday and I hope you’re still fine, as you hurtle at full speed toward decade nine.

Creaky and achy, your back gives you grief, two brand new hips and they’re not your real teeth, but older or not, you’re still our queen and still just as lovely as you’ve always been.

A haiku for your 80th:

An old comfy chair,

Loose women on the television

Your teeth fall out.

Summary:

We hope this list of funny 80th birthday wishes has given you a few ideas on how to spice up any 80-year-old celebration. 

Whether it be with a funny 80th birthday poem or just a plain old birthday insult, there’s something here for everyone.

Why not check out our range of utterly splendid 80th birthday cards here.